A thought of endearment..

Trouble sleeping....my mind keep thinking of my grandparents, persons i love most...and missed....

...2 years after my dear grandpapa passed away..I miss him..so dearly..
All the memories with him still fresh in my mind, like it was just yesterday. He’s the greatest man in my life.

Will always remember the way he makes jokes when i was in trouble, to makes me forget my trouble, how he carry me when i was a little girl, walking me and encourage me on my steps..how he sooth me when i had my bad day. He suffered colon cancer for 10 years, before finally resting in peace, and he never complains how much he is suffering all those time. I would say he live his life to the fullest, and never regretted on what he had gone through in his life.

I am his granddaughter, who trying her best to be like him...But as much as i tried i never get even close. I am not strong enough, i am not positive enough and i am not optimist enough. I really want to be like him, i really do. Can i..?

He once told us (all his grandchildren) to always have each other in good or bad times, and yes we practise it until now. I love the big families i have now, and we always thank him for this, even though we are all far apart all over the world, but well, internet connecting us. We keep on updating on each other what’s going on.
What i regretted most in my life is that he did not wait for me to say i love him, before he gone forever. .Will he think that i never think about him? Will he think that i didn’t love him anymore?Will he hate me for that?

The guilt haunted me until now..He taught me love, but love is not the last thing he heard from me before his last breath. And where was I when he struggling for his life? Here...I am here, with my so-called struggling-my-career on..I really wish i could turn back the time, i really wish i could...

....and 1 year after my grandma passed away..i love her..

My grandma..my sweet grandma..she’s the most beautiful women on earth, i would say..She have a small eyes, sweet little lips, her skin very fair, small figure yet very strong woman. Hmm..yups, she’s the opposite of my grandpa, in a sense of ‘point of view’..They always arguing about even a small thing , but always, my grandpa will finally smile and surrender..and my sweet grandma will have the win smile on her face.

She is a very independent woman, even with my so sweet grandpa as her husband, she never trusted anyone but herself for her life. She’s a very proud woman, who don’t want anyone to see her weakness..And me, i dare not to cry even in anything in front of her, cuz she wont allow any tears..

She always ask us to be the best in everything..sometimes, as a child, i was very hurt and angry when she nags for me not doing well in my task, or my school, when i have tried all my best to achieve what she wants...yet she still complaining, and i felt like she never appreciate my efforts..

As time goes by, i then realize she was very proud of me, but she keep in hide from me..she wants me to do more, and more and more..she’s an angle...she knows whats the best for me, yet she never say it..she will push me to the way, even when i scream i hate her..she wont care..

I still cant accept that now she had gone, and in my dream always...is her...my beloved grandma..i still can feel her very strong spirit pushing me through my hard day...and even shes no longer here, i can feel her giving me all the strength when i am really down..i wish i could inherit her strong spirit and confidence. Tears still running down when i really miss her, cuz i really wish she can hug me and tell me that everything is gonna be allright.....

And tonight..i really want to sleep in her embrace....i really do...